The A-Z of Positivity: Honesty is what you owe yourself.

//“Telling the truth faster enables us to live power- fully as ourselves.” Sark.
//
I used to be one of those annoying people who would say “I know..” to everything. Especially when I didn’t know. I couldn’t stand it that someone might think me stupid or ignorant and so I used to place myself under enormous pressure to learn new quickly things as quickly as possible so that I wouldn’t have to admit my lack.

I used to be one of those people who talked too much, laughed too loudly and who felt that she needed to be more than she was to be of any good in a conversation. I was past master at window dressing and I could bullshit my way so skillfully that I would succeed in giving others the impression that I truly was something. Or so I thought.

I used to be one of those people who had a headache pretty much all the time. I kept Advil and Aspirin in my handbag because they were part of my daily diet.
“Two aspirins a day keeps the judgement of others at bay.”

My god, did I ever get tired!
Drained and ever more uncertain of myself, I would replay interactions to myself (and to my poor long-suffering husband) to analyse and decide whether I had said the right thing, the clever thing, and if I had managed to put up a thick enough smoke screen.

And through it all I continued to swallow the pain killers, because by now my stomach ached and hurt constantly. I went to the homeopath who came up with a nice sounding diagnosis and so began years of colon cleansing and anti-yeast diets. My doctor told me that I was stressed, but I didn’t really like the sound of that, so I ignored him and moved to the next specialist.

Each newcomer had something to add to the picture, but in retrospect the doctor, as mundane as it is to admit, was right.

Ignoring yourself is stressful, and it hurts. In the worst case, it kills.

Then, came the day when I couldn’t keep the scam up. Maybe it’s an age thing: you get to be yourself the older you get. Yet I don’t take that for a guarantee. I know plenty of older people who suffer from insecurity and lack self-confidence. Similarly, I have met hordes of young people who already know who they are and are self-assured.

In any case I no longer seek reasons, only ways to accept because in acceptance resides the power to really change.

An example. On my wedding day I weighed in at a hefty 96kg. Not bad for a small elephant but not good for a bride, at least not for a bride who would rather be 69kg! For years I tried diets and exercise and nothing worked. I might lose a kilo only to regain it the next week. I hated myself, swallowed more aspirin and sweated more in the gym while my head throbbed with the pain that comes from not having eaten enough. I didn’t eat a lot, and I moved a lot, and so I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t look like Twiggy.

The day I accepted the reality was the day that the transformation started, without me even willing it that way. I looked in the mirror, really looked and saw a round face staring back at me and I asked myself to find one good thing about it. I saw my eyes staring back at me and realised that they are bright, blue and intelligent. A good start. And so I went on, taking an honest view of the whole caboodle. After a while, I became aware of a new feeling: that I am worth it. Just like in the LÓreal ads, only real, and without the excessive hair swishing.

Holding onto that feeling was how I shed 25kg in three months, by eating well and taking rest.
Making contact with that feeling is how I turned the nervous verbal diarrhoea into a relaxed, yet energetic exchange. And I learnt to listen.
Being that feeling was what helped me to say “I don’t know” and to accept that I don’t have to always know everything.
I call the feeling ME.

Is it happy ever after? Well, to be honest, it takes effort. I still have moments of doubt, moments where I observe myself pulling my shoulders up to my ears and closing like an oyster. I still have moments where I hear myself standing on my soap box preaching to others as if I have the answers to all the mysteries of life.

Instead of hating myself for it, or scalding myself, I take an honest approach. I laugh gently, and stand with myself. What am I trying to prove? In what way do I think that I am not enough so that I need to compete? When I have my answer I can decide whether the game is worth playing, and mostly the answer is that it isn’t.

So then I just enjoy being me.

To access this “ME” feeling, you might consider Andrew T. Austin’s Integrated Eye Movement Technique.
See [Voeg de link toe www.integraleyemovementtherapy.com] for more information.